30 - Breaking Free: Embracing Anger for Relationship Growth

Anger isn't just a fire that destroys; it can be the spark that ignites positive change, especially within the trying bonds of marriage. As I unravel the threads of personal accountability and the power of our thoughts, I invite you to reconsider the role of anger in personal growth and relationship dynamics. Drawing on insights from the American Psychological Association and threading in tales from my own life, including reflections on my son's teenage romances, this episode is a journey through the complexities of emotion and the transformative potential of facing our fiercest feelings head-on.

This conversation isn't just theory; it's about making a promise to ourselves to harness our most challenging moments for a greater good. In the pursuit of joy within our partnerships, we sometimes find ourselves in valleys rather than on peaks. Here, I offer a beacon of self-awareness to guide you out of the shadows, and I extend an invitation to continue this dialogue through social media engagement or personalized coaching. Together, let's navigate the often-winding path to happiness in our relationships, armed with a newfound appreciation for the unexpected motivators that drive us toward a more fulfilling future.

You can find me on both Facebook and Instagram @Art.Of.Sia. If you are interested in one-one coaching, please visit my website www.ArtOfSia.com.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:14

Hello and welcome. This is Nadia with Art of Sia, and today is Wednesday, December the 27th, 2023. It is the last Wednesday of the year. We made it. If today is your first day joining me, thank you and welcome. We are going to talk about using anger as a way to motivate you. If today is not your first time, welcome back. Thank you so much for being loyal. I truly appreciate you.

Speaker 1: 0:54

Art of Sia is a mindset and accountability coaching platform that I developed to help women stop sabotaging their marriages. There are three basic principles that I stand on Recognizing illusions, positive thoughts and acts of kindness. When you begin to understand those three principles, you will understand how important perspective is. I believe that thoughts are seeds that you plant, and either you can plant and feed and water negative thoughts, or you can water the positive ones. Everything starts with a thought. Today, we are going to talk about using anger as a positive motivator. Many of you all are in situations that, let's be honest, you got yourself into. Today, Wine'n Wednesdays is going to focus on the accountability part. Okay? We at Art of Sia believe, in order to change your situation, you need to change your perception. Alright, let's get started, alright.

Speaker 1: 2:34

So this is a clip from a Fox News flash headlines and it reads that, according to the APA, which is the American Psychological Association, research has been done and published. This was back in October of 2023. They examined how both positive and negative emotions factor into the odds of success. Okay, so how is it possible that you can use a negative feeling, such as anger, to actually motivate you? All over the headline, social media, everywhere you look, people always tell you to be positive, to think positively. That is the only way that you are going to get yourself out of a bad situation. Right, fake it until you make it. Believe that you have a faithful husband. Believe that you are in a happy marriage. Be positive, right? Okay? Well, I am sure that you have tried to be positive and if you're continuing to listen to me, the positive shit probably ain't working as well as many say that it should.

Speaker 1: 3:57

Let's keep it real. There's only so much positivity that you can have until you're just up to your wits endd with this positiveness, and sometimes you just want to get angry. Please do that. Get angry.

Speaker 1: 4:16

Your marriage sucks right now. Yes, maybe your husband is cheating on you, maybe you're cheating on him. Maybe he doesn't have a job. This whole, for better or worse, is worse and you don't like it. But, baby girl, your marriage went to shit under your watch, not under anybody else's. This isn't because of anybody else. You must take responsibility for your actions and or lack of actions. Right, this is your marriage and this is what you allowed to happen. Come on, you're better than that. Look yourself in the face. Go, stand in that mirror. Look at yourself in the face and get angry that this is what your marriage has turned into. I'll wait, smack yourself, I don't care. Do whatever it takes to make sure you feel the pain and the anger. That it is the frustration that you must be under because you don't want to ever feel this again.

Speaker 1: 5:36

That's the the whole purpose here is to maybe hit rock bottom. Are you there? Are you almost there? Is it knocking on your door? Once you hit the bottom, there's nowhere else to go but up.

Speaker 1: 6:00

Once you hit the bottom, I want you to stay there and to feel what it feels like in that moment, in that week, in that month, that you are on eggshells walking through your home. You're nervous because you're not sure what the direction is going in your marriage. You're not sure if he's coming home because of that last big fight that you had. You're not sure what's going to happen as soon as he walks through that door, if he does come home, or if you decide to go home because you left a few weeks ago and are staying with your mom or in a hotel or your girlfriend's house. Feel it, this is because of you. You can change it. This is your marriage. There are two people here that are at fault. It's you and your husband Guess what baby girl. You cannot change him. It's not going to work. So what are you going to do now? You're going to stay here and pretty soon this anger is going to turn into self-pity. Anger and self-pity are not the same thing. We're not feeling bad about ourselves while we're down here at the bottom. We're down here to make sure we never come back. So when I say to you on Wine and Wednesdays, go have sex, make sure you don't stop having sex, you can remember why I'm telling you. That is because you're at the bottom right now. You ain't had sex in months and this is what it's like. The only way you're going to get out of this is if you pull your marriage out. It starts with you. It is not going to be all of your work, but it starts with you Once you start to show that you still care. Watch how things turn around in your marriage.

Speaker 1: 8:14

I have a 16 year old son and he has started dating. He's got this girlfriend, or had this girlfriend, and she was coming over to the house. He was going over to her house with the parents met and he went out. He had to buy her this Christmas gift and all of these things were looking up for him and then, all of a sudden, I didn't hear this little girl's name at all and I kept saying well, when are you going to give her the Christmas present? When are you guys hooking up? It's Christmas break. Why hasn't she come over? And he's real nonchalant about it. Well, I know what that means. I'm an adult, I get it right so fast forward.

Speaker 1: 9:03

Christmas day is here and we're sitting here and we're talking about her and my brother asks him what he got her for Christmas and he tells him and he says, but, but I broke up with her why? Well, she acted like she didn't care anymore. I don't know, it's kind of hard to explain, but she was acting like she didn't care. And ain't nobody got time for that. Okay, he's 16.

Speaker 1: 9:32

This is his first girlfriend. I left it at that because, after all, he's only 16, right? But y'all, these are lessons. These are things that have been put into us as children. Men think a lot differently than women do, and he is 16.

Speaker 1: 9:48

Talking about, his girlfriend acted like she didn't care, and I mean, come on, y'all, let's be honest. They were only dating for like a month. Look at how short that attention span is. Now, if he learns this as a teen age, what do you think his attention span is going to be when he's a man, when he's working and paying bills and taking care of family, and you, his wife, act like you don't care anymore? Come on, y'all, this ain't rocket science. Get angry. I hope I'm pissing you off right now, alright? So before I piss y'all off too much, let's take a quick wine break. Oh, I'm getting thirsty anyway. So I actually think I've done this one.

Speaker 1: 10:31

I didn't think I had done it when I first got on the air, but now that I'm tasting it, I think I do remember doing a green wine. This is what I had learned in Portugal when my girlfriends and I went for one of my good girlfriends birthday back in October, we learned about green wine and this is a Vino Verde. It's a 2022 out of Portugal. It is very good. It's tangy or tart. Maybe it's a little bit more tart. It has aromas of pear and I smell pineapple. It does not say that there's pineapple in here, but this is what I get from it. I guess everyone's palate can be slightly different. Avelada A-V-E-L-E-D A. It's a Fonte Vino Verde, 2022 from Portugal, green wine.

Speaker 1: 11:35

In case you did not hear that episode, or in case I'm just straight tripping and I did not do an episode about green wine. So the wine is green, not necessarily because of the color, but it's actually because of the age of the grape. So I don't know if you've ever heard, even in the business world, once I say, oh my goodness, he's so green, just mean he's so young and immature. So that's kind of the concept behind the Vino Verde it is a young grape. Okay, all right, let's go ahead and get back into it.

Speaker 1: 12:20

So now that you've calmed down a little, had a couple sips of your wine, I want to talk about how you're going to use your anger as a motivational tool. All right, first of all, you have to recognize that you are angry and to understand why you're angry. You're angry because you are not where you're supposed to be in life, and I'd say that with air quotes. Maybe you're angry because you thought things were going to be different. You're angry because you've let yourself down. Maybe your spouse has let you down. We're going to need to identify why you're angry if this is going to work.

Speaker 1: 13:22

And then, once you've identified why, what can you do to change that? What did you contribute to make your situation this upsetting? You did something. Either you're lazy and you did nothing. Maybe you're an overachiever and you're never around. Maybe you're too forgiving, you've become a pushover. Maybe you've gained weight and don't feel sexy anymore. Maybe you've lost interest because you've become complacent. I don't know what it is on what you've done to get into this state, but there is something that you can do to change that. Identify what it is that you can work on that is going to change your anger. So, once you've identified why you're angry, you've come up with some ways on how you can get out of this anger.

Speaker 1: 14:43

Lastly, I need you to double check your success with those solutions. How are they working for you? Are they working for you? I don't want you to give up changing, because now that you are accountable, you must change. You must adapt to this new version of yourself so that you can begin to be happily married.

Speaker 1: 15:14

But this is going to be a process for you and during that process you need to look back and see what you've done. Has it changed your situation? Has working out, actually given you more energy so that you are woke when he comes home, so that you have time to spend with him? Is working out, relieving your stress? So now you feel like there is actually something that you can do for yourself, so you don't feel so much of an animosity toward your husband when you get home and have to start doing your second job. What you do matters, and if it is not working, you need to change your behaviors.

Speaker 1: 16:11

Okay, don't be afraid to hit rock bottom and don't be so quick to get out of that place. Stay there for a minute, take inventory, recognize how you feel when you're there, so that you can make a pact with yourself never to return to that place. Once you understand why you don't want to return to that place, you can start on a path to make sure that a successful marriage is in your future. Okay, alright, so that's going to do it for today. Wining Wednesdays. I want to thank you so much for tuning in and sticking with me on this journey to happily ever after. If today was your first day, and or if you are not already following me, please go out to Instagram and or Facebook, like and follow those pages for me. If you are interested in any one-on-one coaching, please go to my website and click on that free consultation button in the upper right hand corner. You can find me on Instagram and social media at artofca. That's S-I-A and the website is artofsiacom. Until next time, take care of each other.