What have you done for me lately?

I’m Nadia C. Patterson with Art of Sia and this podcast is dedicated to bettering relationships as we work on recognizing your individual contributions to your current situation. Today I discuss the classic 80/20 Rule.  Do not focus on what you are not receiving and miss the love that is currently in your life. Also,  if you are unwilling to give,  please do not expect to receive. Remember, change your perception to change your situation. 

You can find me on both Facebook and Instagram @Art.Of.Sia. If you are interested in one-one coaching, please visit my website www.ArtOfSia.com.

Chapters

• 0:00 Intro
• 1:04 Hamster Wheel
• 2:14 Expectations
• 6:29 Wine Break
• 7:33 It Takes Time
• 9:41 Key Indicators
• 11:41 In Case You Missed It
• 12:35 Until Next Time

Transcript

Intro
Welcome back this is Nadia with Art of Sia and you’re listening to Wine and Wednesdays. Thank you so much for joining me today as I continue my unhappy wife series. So for the last few weeks we have talked about entitlement and last week we discussed sex right, so today I want to discuss our expectations and what it is that we expect from him versus what we are willing to do. Okay. Remember Art of Sia it focuses on three key ideas: seed planting recognizing allusions and acts of kindness. Begin to tune into these so you can  change your perception in order to change your situation. Let's get started.

Hamster Wheel 1:04
So When you ask your husbands….  “What have you done for me lately?”  you really already know the answer right, because  you’re  really implying that nothing has been done. But today I want to challenge you with that question and really ask you, What has your husband done for you lately?'' Can you recognize what he contributes and what he brings to the table, or are you caught up in what he doesn’t do? Do you find yourself refusing to do for him because he hasn’t done for you? It is so easy to get caught up in the mindset  and before you know it you’re on this crazy crazy hamster wheel. You know You're looking at him to do something and he’s looking at you to do something and  neither one of you guys are doing something.  You’re going around on this vicious cycle and nothing is going to get accomplished like this. Someone has to jump off. Now, this goes back to a few weeks ago right when we were talking about leading with love.  I feel like many of us are more concerned with what we get and we lose focus of what we actually give to our partners. Remember people like to reciprocate feelings so if you are unwilling to give, how can you expect to receive?

Expectations 2:14
I feel like many of us are more concerned with what we get and we lose focus of what we actually give to our partners. Remember people like to reciprocate feelings so if you are unwilling to give, how can you expect to receive? So I ask you again, What has he done for you lately?' Does he work? Does he coach your son‘s sport’s team? Is he home every night for dinner? Does he pay all the bills? Does he look the other way when you spend excessively? Does he provide a roof over your head? Does he take you on a vacation even though you really can’t afford it? While all of these things lackluster and aren’t extremely sexy, they count. Don’t get so focused on the 20% of the things that you’re not getting and you need to focus in on the 80% that you do receive.  Now maybe he’s just not very romantic so to have an expectation that  you’re gonna come home to flowers and candies and have champagne waiting for you, you know that’s just not realistic. But that does not mean that he doesn’t love you and therefore doesn’t deserve to also receive love. So what have you done for him lately? Do you cook? Do you clean? Do you get the children ready for school every day? Do you go grocery shopping, do you do his laundry. Do you carpool the kids around to all of their sporting events and  make sure that they have play dates?  Do you work? Do you pay bills? While you are doing all of these things too right, they too lack luster and they too are not sexy,but they still count. My point here is simple: We get caught up in our day-to-day lives that we are expecting some huge exaggerated display of affection when we’ve had proof of love right in front of us the entire time. You all do the things that I just laid out  and they become routine and mundane, the day to day things for each other that you do that show that you truly care, please do not overlook them because they speak volumes. At the end of the day you’re tired guess what so is he. Let’s not put so much energy on that 20% that you’re missing and continue to focus on the 80 that you do have. Stop only focusing  on his actions and realize that you too could have lit a fire, you too could have had a cocktail waiting for him or  rubbed his feet when he got home from work. They like to be pampered just as much as we do. Ladies if you don’t know this, please listen up. We control our relationships. We set the tempo in our own homes. People are gonna treat you the way that you allow them to. That includes your spouse. So if you find that you just have way too much on your plate; delegate some of these responsibilities. Stop taking on everything and start to  communicate your needs. He’s not a mind reader and you can’t get mad at him for not doing something because you never asked for help. Have you ever considered that if you had less on your plate, you would be more like or more able to do some of that 20% that you’re missing in your marriage. There’s just so much going on day to day, That you get caught up on that, so today we are focusing in on tuning in to what else that we can do. How can we delegate some of these things? There’s not that much time in the day, there’s on 24 hours. You have to use it wisely.

Wine Break 6:29
Decoy 2019 Cabernet Sauvignon

It Takes Time 7:33
Many of us expect our situations to change overnight, ok so like let’s just say that  you start to do something that is going to fill that 20% void.  So let’s just say, I don’t know, spontaneous sex let’s just say that’s what you’re gonna do tonight. Ok and you go ahead and you do it and it’s great and everything is lovely, but tomorrow…he still doesn’t do anything for you. Nothing changes overnight. It did not take you overnight to get into this situation so please do not get fooled into believing that it is going to take one night or one act of love to get out of the situation that you are currently in. This stuff takes time. We are all good and grown and we have lived our lives many of us 35-45+ years so do not fall for this illusion. But I’m here to tell you that it does work if you work it. You  need to have the mindset  that you are in this for the long-haul. You’re are not looking at things day-to-day. You ‘re actually going to try to gauge where you are in a couple of months, right, so this is not something that happens overnight so at the end of the day you cannot look to see if it worked. Changes are you are not going to have any proof that it worked, but if you think further out and 3-6 months later you start to look to kind of start to gauge where you are. I think that is a much more realistic expectation. Now remember in that 3-6 months time frame you are constantly doing these things. You don’t just do it once and wait to see what happens, right. So, just kind of think a little bit further into the future before you actually stop to look back to see if what it is that you're doing is actually working. 

Key Indicators 9:41 
So during the timeframe you’re doing all of these like little acts of kindness, right, what you are looking for? Well I don't want you to necessarily look for the 20% that you’re missing because that too might not be manifesting just yet, but there are other key features that you can look for. Key indicators that will show that what you are doing is actually working. And so you’re looking at, Are you guys having sex more often? Are you having fewer arguments? The arguments that you do have are they less intense? Do you spend more time together as a couple? So when you jumped  off of that hamster wheel that we talked about earlier, you’re setting a new normal. Those are the things that you want to get out of your life. You know, the arguments and the lack of sex. So if you start to see that some of those things are diminishing that is wonderful, that is very very positive and then that 20% that was missing will start to manifest a little bit later ok. So again you’re looking for the frequency of intimacy. Is that increasing, are the arguments decreasing? Yeah, great, we're doing good. Now because you, there's so much going on, I should say, you have to recognize and you have to be able to accept the fact that have peace in your home as a positive indicator that the work that you are doing is working, because remember the goal of all of this is to be happily married, that is our primary goal and it takes work to get there and it takes work to stay there. 

In Case You Missed IT 11:41
And just to recap we’re talking about the classic  80 / 20 RULE. Don’t believe the illusion of unhappiness because you are unwilling to accept what is right in front of your face. Open up your heart and be able to lower your expectations. Just a little bit If you aren’t willing to be extravagant in your displays of affection, you might want to ease up a little bit and show him some grace. We Woman set the Tempo. Y'all I cannot stress how much we are in control.. Set the beat and he will follow you. Get off of your hamster wheel and refuse to get back on. Stay the course, have patience and show some grace. 

Until Next Time 12:35
That is it for Wine’n Wednesdays today short and sweet, thank you so much for joining me. I want to ask if you could please go out to FB or IG and follow me @art.of.sia that is art.of. S-I-A go ahead and like and follow that FB page if you have not already. And stay tuned next week as we continue the unhappy wife series. Not sure what we’re gonna get into,  I’m sure it will be a good topic. If you have anything you want to discuss please go out and shoot a comment under this post today and just let me know what’s on your mind. . I would really really appreciate the feedback . Until next time, take care of each other.