The Secret

I’m Nadia C. Patterson with Art of Sia and this podcast is dedicated to bettering relationships as we work on recognizing your individual contributions to your current situation. Tomorrow is my 16th Anniversary and I'm so excited that We made it this far! Tune in today as I give you an inside look at the secret to marriage longevity. Remember, change your perception to change your situation. 

You can find me on both Facebook and Instagram @Art.Of.Sia. If you are interested in one-one coaching, please visit my website www.ArtOfSia.com.

Chapters

• 0:00 Intro
• 1:22 Our Journey Begins
• 4:48 Caring Behavior
• 7:58 Getting Better Together
• 12:12 Wine Break
• 14:21 Keep Talking - Have Patience
• 19:19 Until Next Time

Transcript

Intro:
Hello and welcome this is Nadia with Art of Sia and you’re listening to Wine’n Wednesdays. Today y’all I am talking about my own personal relationship. I think that it is very very important to let you guys know that nothing is perfect but if you stick with it; it is worth it. OK so if today is your first time with me, you’re in for a treat. If you’re returning, thank you so much for your support. I truly truly appreciate it. Please remember that Art of Sia focuses on three key ideas: seed planting, recognizing illusions and acts of kindness. Tune into these so that you can change your perception in order to change your situation. Let's get started.

Our Journey Begins 1:22
OK many of you do not know but tomorrow September 15 will be my 16th wedding anniversary. I cannot believe it. It has been 16 years since we said I do and I am just so excited and I feel so blessed to have such a strong companion, someone who I can share my life with right next to me during this season where we change. So through  every season I should actually say he has been by my side and I truly truly appreciate and love him. So I kinda want to go back and tell you just a little story so that you hear it straight from my mouth on how our journey has been. So back in 1988, yes I am that old. Wow, I’m dating myself. Ugh, anyway, back in 1988; I’m in the sixth grade ok. He is in the eighth grade. This is when we meet. We went to the same middle school. He was only there for one year obviously because then he graduates and then I was there for my entire sixth grade year and then half of the seventh grade year and then we moved to the other side of town and I started going to umm, a different school. I often think; what would have happened had we not met for this one particular year in our lives? This is such a small portion of our lives  when we actually meet each other because let me tell you, we do not actually reconnect until January 2000. So all of his high school, all of his college and all of mine there is no interaction between he and I. So in January 2000, it’s a blizzard  and I mean a blizzard. There is no reason why anybody should’ve been out in the streets of Chicago at the time but we were, my girlfriend and I went to a club. He and one of his cousins ended up being at this club and I knew the cousin.  He had stayed umm around in Bolingbrook where we grew up the entire time. So I knew him had talked to him kind of chit chatting back-and-forth with him during this particular day and my husband comes up to me and he said “Excuse me, don’t I know you?” Uh, my God, I was so aggravated because I thought he was kind of cute and he probably would’ve had a chance but how do you go to somebody talking about “don’t I know you?” like it was so lame and I was like, Naw, you don’t know me with a stank attitude and I think I probably liked rolled my eyes and you know turned away from him.  and he’s like “Ok Miss Johnson.” Oh my goodness. I felt so stupid and then you know, I had to like try to quickly figure out who this guy was because of course Johnson is my maiden name and sure enough I did know him, I remembered and we have been inseparable ever since. 

Caring Behavior 4:48
I had talked a couple of umh episodes ago  about doing things that couples do and making sure that in your relationships you guys are acting like a couple. Let me tell you what this man did. I live in Bolingbrook he lives in Chicago. That's probably about a good 35-40 minute commute. OK, it's January of 2000. It’s cold. Probably around March, maybe around March he sells his car and gets a motorcycle. Do you know this man was getting on his motorcycle and traveling to Bolingbrook to see me. This 40 minute commute all night . It’s cold. I can not express to you how cold and probably actually even dangerous that this was. And if anybody  out there knows my husband; he ain’t have on no helmet. My father used to look at him like “I cannot believe it” and then I would hop on the back of his bike with him; you know, without a helmet also and it was just, I don’t. The things that men will do for you that show you that they care for you. It could be something so small. He is doing whatever it takes to make sure that he sees me and of course in the beginning of the relationship this is vital. There’s nothing going on in your lives that should stop him from showing you that you are important. And that’s exactly what he did. So we date for 6 1/2 years. So my parents end up moving. I moved into a townhouse in Naperville now even further away from Chicago and we just continue this back-and-forth. We used to put a mattress on top of my car and drive it like 5 miles down the road so that we can stay together in one of his two-flats. Ya oh my goodness the stories that I could tell you, it’s just crazy to look at where we used to be as to where we are now. I had  bumper marks on my front fender because his car one day ran out of gas. I don't know what happened , but anyway I pushed his car or bumped his car all the way down 87nth St. from Manistee where we were staying back down to Cottage. Ya’ll its just crazy and now the thought of of me actually bumping his Rolls-Royce with my car like it just wouldn't happen. We have come a long way.

Getting Better Together7:58
 But throughout this entire journey we have always been there for each other . One of the things that I always said to him is that we’ve never really had the answers and we both have had opportunities to grow and to  change and it was certain things that he needed to work on and things that I needed to work on but the thing that I believe kept us together was the fact that both of us wanted to work so that we could get better. We knew we wanted to be together; we knew this and even though it was not always fun, it was something that we wanted to happen. I am just so thankful that he is with me today and he has worked his ass off to provide me with the life that I have. It is unimaginable. I don’t think that you all even have any idea of how much that man works and provides for me and his two children. It is admirable. He is a provider. He is everything that I need him to be and more. And there was a time within our relationship where I’m looking at how hard he works because sometimes that actually took him away from me and I had two children most of this time. So if you go out and if you start to follow me and start to to read kind of maybe my my bio out on the website you’ll understand that there was resentment that ends up building and growing that I feed and I, I watered this resentment for many many years.  I’m not talking about six months two  two years. I’m talking about years here maybe 5 to 8. If he was here he might tell you it was 8 to 10 but it was a long time and some of these things I wish that there was someone who would have told me that there was a different way that I could look at this. Yes I am the primary caregiver of my children and therefore there are certain things that are my decisions to make. It's my responsibility. His  responsibility is to make sure that he provides financially for his family and he is doing exactly that. I cannot; I wish someone would’ve told me; I cannot fault him for stepping away and taking care of what it is that he needs to take care of as a man. It’s the wrong way to look at it. Marriages are not 50/50. Everybody has to play a part. And in your marriage you need to figure out what your part is. He and I tend to have a little bit more of traditional roles.  You know where, I mean I work too but he is the primary breadwinner. I am the primary caregiver for the children. This works for us and therefore there are times where our thought process, our,  the seeds that we planted and the seeds that we decide to water need to be aligned into how our roles are. Now your role in your marriage might be different and that is OK.  You do not have to have the type of marriage that I have.  You just have to make sure that you identify with what your role is. What is your part in your marriage? So that you can tune in to that and play the best part that you can.  Those are your responsibilities, don't put them on him. Let him take his responsibilities and just start to change the way that you think a little bit so that the resentment does not begin to grow.

Wine Break 12:12
Akiyoshi 2021 it is a Rosé of Pinot Noir from California 

Keep Talking - Have Patience 14:21
OK let’s get back into it. So people are always asking me when they find out that I’ve been with my husband for 22 years and we’ve been married for 16 of those; they always want to know what’s the secret? Well I don’t really think that it’s that much of a secret. We say it to you all all of the time but I am not sure if people really truly understand what we mean by when we say you need to communicate. Communication is the key and then I’m gonna go ahead and add you also need patience. So the two of those things together, in my mind, is what the secret is, ok. So let me just explain for a second so as long as you’re communicating what it is that you want to your partner I think that you got a headstart but that does not mean that your partner is going to do what it is that you have just communicated. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they truly even understand what it is that you’re communicating. So this is why I add in patience. Your partner is not a mind reader nor are you so you need to be able to hear the information and sometimes it takes 5 to 7 times for you to actually really understand what it is that someone is saying; just in normal communication, so just think about how complex that notion is when you’re actually talking about changing behaviors to try to make somebody else happy or to at least maybe not make them happy but to take away some of their stresses or to make their lives a little bit easier. So for example,  let’s just say, well here here’s a real life example. My husband and I have this thing about making plates. You know, you cook dinner and now you have to make a plate. Now this is something that he really cherishes. He likes for his plate to be made and yes I do make his plate, however this was a struggle and I'm gonna explain to you why this was a struggle for me. My mother never made my fathers plate. In my family that is not what the women did. So I never grew up with this shown to me OK. So then when it was brought to me as something that he want wanted I’m looking at it like “why can’t you make your own plate? I just made dinner.” So it took me a while even, though he had communicated what it was that he was looking for it took me a while to truly understand that yes he is capable of making his own plate but it really isn’t that hard for me to make two plates instead of one. So he needed to show me patience as I tried to understand a new concept. It wasn’t necessarily that I didn’t want to do this for him. The concept just wasn’t there and my mindset on how I was viewing it was wrong. So that’s why I’m saying you need to communicate your needs however you still need to give your spouse enough time to be able to truly understand what you’re communicating and how that they can give you what you want or you know some of the desires of your heart. Patience is a virtue. I know you all have heard people say that.  Nothing worth having is instant. All good things take time. Rome wasn’t built in a day .I could go on and on and on but I think one of the downfalls that we have with social media is that everything is instant, with the technology that we have today, with the bandwidth on our computers and our our Wi-Fi speeds. Everything is at our fingertips now. So I think as a culture we are losing some of the patients that we need to have and especially when you’re talking about humans who have their own paths. They’ve had their own stories prior to you and even during your relationship you guys are experiencing the same conflicts but you’ve got different experiences because you guys are different people, right. So we really do need to take that golden rule of patience um is a virtue and really apply that into our relationships and just know that it is worth it if you work it. Stay the course and one day you will reap the benefits.

Until Next Time 19:21
All right so that is going to be it for today Wednesday, September 14. Remember tomorrow is my anniversary. 22 years together. I never thought that that would happen. Anyway if you have not please follow me on Facebook and Instagram @Art.of.Sia that’s S-I-A or you can go out and visit my webpage artofsia.com if you’re interested in one on one coaching that is where you will find more information on my services and how you can get in touch with me so that we can start your journey to happily married after it is within reach. Until next time, take care of each other.